Mr Birchum: Battle Against Wokeness, Part two, Written By Avalanche Animations.
(Contiuned from part two)
Normsprite: Mr Birchum, remember your ways.
Normsprite: Don't let some incompetent fool stumble you.
Mr Birchum: Alright father, I will not.
Mr Birchum: I'm gonna go whack my willy in the shed if you guys dont mind.
(back at eggberts apartment)
Karponzi: Alright eggbert, I'm gonna need you to be smart about this…
Eggbert: Shut up.
Karponzi: IM A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT! (Weird Noises)
Eggbert: I don't really wanna ruin this apartment, so I suggest we go somewhere where we can settle this.
Karponzi: I've lost access to the school boiler room…
Eggbert: I'm gonna need some small backupfire..
Karponzi: Uh, that really isn't gonna work. Although the people I hired hadn't really handled guns before…
Eggbert: This kid is really up and coming in the scene…
Karponzi: Kid? What the fuck are you talking abou-
Madness Combat Kid: Ah ha ha!
Karponzi: This is some WEASEL… Some SCOUNDREL… how the FUCK would this guy manage to do anything?
Eggbert: Ah well, you see I kidnapped him and he managed to take down me and my old friend sullivan… so I decided to befriend him.
Eggbert: I just told him not to tell his father or anybody else in that trainwreck of a family… he said he did it because he “felt madness arising” or whatever. I offered him some ammo and he told me it was all water under the bridge.
Madness Combat Kid: MADNESS! ARISING! ME ME ME ME!
Karponzi: Well, whatever… we can use whatever we get.
(Inside Mr Birchums car)
Mr Birchum: I AM GOING TO SO FUCK HIM UP… THIS IS MY FINAL STRAW.
Mr Birchum: Say eddies girlfriend, have you ever handled a gun before…
Eddies Girlfriend: I used to live on this island with my old dog, his name was bec.
Eddies Girlfriend: My grandpa taught me alot about how to handle guns…
Mr Birchum: Well great.. Im glad because my grandfather just died…
Mr Birchum: Ah, were almost here…
Eggbert: Im thinking about this old warehouse in the shitty district…
Karponzi: That part of town is rough but sure…
Madness Combat Kid: OH BOY! MADNESS…
Eggbert: I dont have a ride… or any money in my pocket…
Karponzi: What about the money I gave you?
Eggbert: Im saving up.
Eggbert: Anyways…
(Fast forward to them outside the apartment)
Eggbert: (Screams really loudly or does something ridiculous)
(Taxi Appears) (Animate this)
Taxi: So where too…
(Eggbert points one of his m9s at the driver) (Animate this)
Eggbert: Drive.
Taxi Man: Oh no, NUH UH. I am a strong independent man and I will not give in.
(Eggbert puts his finger on trigger)
Taxi Man: FINE FINE FINE!
Eggbert: You see this cd…
(Eggbert shows his shaun the sheep cd) (Animate this)
Eggbert: Play this CD.
Taxi Man: Oh fuck no, I think some of the weekend will change your min-
Eggbert: I'M GOING TO CASTRATE YOU IF YOU DON'T PLAY THIS SHAUN THE SHEEP CD.
Taxi Man: Whatever man…
(Taxi man puts in the shaun the sheep cd)
(Eggbert sings along to the tune)
Eggbert: KEEP IN MIND, HES ONE OF A KIND!
Taxi Man: Ugh no he isnt…
(Eggbert punches the taxi guy, drags him out onto the street, and kills him in broad daylight) (Animate this)
Police: Were gonna have to arrest you sir, your fly is open…
Eggbert: Im sorry I wasnt aware sir.
Police: Oh, ok… Go ahead then.
(Shot of dead driver sitting in the road)
(Mr Birchum arrives at the apartment to see nobody there)
Mr Birchum: MY NUTS MY NUTS!, what the fuck do I do now?
Mr Birchum: Oh great, a note… we are REALLY gonna do this stupid shit again….
Mr Birchum: Ugh its some STUPID fucking warehouse… I dont know where that is…
Eddie: Just use google maps da-
Mr Birchum: GOOGLE MAPS ISNT MANLY… DO YOU THINK THE… ROMANS USED GOOGLE MAPS?
Eddie: no they didnt dad…
Mr Birchum: Exactly… uh… um…
Mr Birchum: FUCK IT, I guess I dont really have a choice…
Mr Birchum: IM A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT, HERE IS MY HANDLE AND MY SPOUT.
Mr Birchum: GAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mr Birchum: Alright im putting the coordinates into my device…
(Devices shows the directions)
Mr Birchum: Wait eddie, do you have your hammer?
Eddie: Oh shit…
(Mr birchum spots a mp5k in the corner)
Mr Birchum: Eddie, take that gun over there!
Eddie: Nope! I only use weapons from homestuck!
Mr Birchum: But Eddie. Your girlfriend is using a ranch rifle… and from all that annoying ass trivia you shoved up my asshole I know that weapon isn't from homestuck.
Eddies Girlfriend: I dont really care too be honest.
Eddie: No dad.
(There are two twin beretta m9s sitting on a table)
Mr Birchum: Uh… what about those? I think that john eggbert character uses those righ-
Eddie: DAD YOU FAT PIGGY FUCK THATS JAKE ENGLISH!
Mr Birchum: Sorry… Must be my old age!
Eddie: Sorry dad but im a hammerkind!
(Mr birchum stares angrily)
(Mr Birchum grabs the mp5k from the ground and shoots his son in the foot) (Animate this)
Mr Birchum: Eddie im not playing mothefucking games round these parts.
Mr Birchum: You better use those m9s or I'm gonna shoot you…
Eddie: Oh.. is that so?
(Eddie grabs the two m9s off the table and aims them at mr birchum) (Animate this)
(Eddie's girlfriend aims her ranch rifle at Mr Birchum)
Eddies Girlfriend: I think shooting your son in the FUCKING foot was super unesscary.
Mr Birchum: If only you knew what I had to go through with him…
Mr Birchum: Would only eat food from homestuck, I would have to make him slime pies for dinner… it was torture, i'm no cook. But it was all he wanted eat…
Mr Birchum: But he did eat all the other real life snacks in homestuck.
Mr Birchum: I tried to get him to play sports and be a real man… but all he would do the rare times he went outside was play on that green worm with a spring….
Mr Birchum: All he would drink was faygo, and the kind that was in those plastic bottles.
Mr Birchum: He didnt drink anything besides faygo in plastic bottles for several years, until recently when he tried fanta and actually ended up enjoying it.
Mr Birchum: I tried to convince him that homestuck wasn't real, and it was just words ON A SCREEN.
Eddie: But dad, homestuck is life. All my favorite characters are at the conventions I go too, to me homestuck is real.
Mr Birchum: The divorce left me with no other choice but to raise him.
Eddies Girlfriend: Boo hoo, but it doesnt justify you shooting him the FUCKING FOOT.
Mr Birchum: if you guys don't shoot me then I will buy you both an ice cream.
Eddie: Wait dad, there is one thing I want you to buy that isn't ice cream.
Mr Birchum: What, what is it?
Eddie: Homestuck itself.
Mr Birchum: How the fuck would I do tha-
(Eddie and his girlfriend aim their guns back at mr birchum) (Animate this)
Mr Birchum: FINE FINE!
Eddie: Andrew hussie lives just across the street!
Mr Birchum: Why would he live here?
Eddie: To get away from it all dad.
(At andrews house)
(Eddie bangs the door) (Animate this)
(Andrew Hussie opens the door)
Andrew Hussie: FUCK Of- Oh, its that one guy…
Andrew Hussie: I suppose you've come to reconcile.
(Inside andrew hussies house)
Andrew Hussie: Well, to buy homestuck off me and free me from my shackles you first need to find the toblerone.
Andrew Hussie: Which… should be pretty hard to do if you follow my clu-
Mr Birchum: EDDIE I DONT HAVE ALL FUCKING DA-
Eddie: There it is!
(Shot of toblerone bar on top of a table)
Andrew: Darn, I forgot to hide it.
Andrew: Well, I suppose homestuck is yours for… 7000 dollars.
Mr Birchum: EDDIE N-
(Eddie and his girlfriend aim their guns yet again at him) (Animate this)
Mr Birchum: Fine…
(Mr Birchum uses his credit card) (Animate this)
Andrew: Okay eddie, its yours.
Andrew: NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HOU-
(Back at the warehouse)
Eggbert: Ugh, I dont have ALL fucking day…
(Mr Birchum stops his jpeg truck outside of the warehouse)
Mr Birchum: Alright, are you guys ready?
Eddie: Yea!
Eddies Girlfriend: Sure!
(Mr Birchum kicks the door down) (Animate this)
Mr Birchum: Prepare to die mothefuckers.
Eggbert: Very well then..
Mr Karponzi: It's finally time I put an end to you mr birchum, in more ways than one.
Madness Combat Kid: MADNESS COMBAT!
Mr Birchum: Alright, lets do this!
(Mr Birchum fires a blade)
(Eggbert dodges the blade) (Animate this)
(Mr Karponzi fires the pronoun gun at eddies girlfriend)
(Eddies girlfriend fires her ranch rifle) (Animate this)
(Madness Combat kid fires his two assault rifles in hand) (Animate this)
Eggbert: Hey you, the one in that blue robe!
Eddie: Yea?
Eggbert: I see you have the same weapon as me, wanna 1v1?
Eddie: Sure!
(Eggbert fires his m9s) (Animate this)
(Eddie dodges the bullets matrix style) (Animate this)
(Eddie jumps the the air) (Animate this)
(Eddie fires several bullets out of his m9) (Animate this)
(One of them hits eggbert) (Animate this)
Eggbert: Crap, another stitch…
Eggbert: You dont seem to realise how POWERFUL eggs really are.
Eddie: ha ha, yea righ-
(Eggbert shoots eddie dead) (Animate this)
(Eddies girlfriend is still shooting her ranch rifle) (Animate this)
(Madness combat kid is standing there unaffected by the passing bullets) (Animate this)
(Eddies girlfriend is still shooting her ranch rifle) (Animate this)
(The Bullets are still missing the madness combat kid) (Animate this)
(Madness combat shoots eddie's girlfriend dead with one bullet) (Animate this)
(Eddies girlfriend dies) (Animate this)
(Its just mr birchum standing there) (Animate this)
(Mr Birchum puts his hands up)
Mr Birchum: I… I SURRENDER!
(Shot of eggbert, madness combat kid, and mr karponzi aiming their rifles at the lone birchum)
(Mr birchum launches a blade at mr karponzi killing him)
Mr Birchum: Ha! Gotcha!
Eggbert: Well Well Well… its just you and me mr birchum… Im finally in the mood to finish the job!
Mr Birchum: Ha ha ha! Well, im more than read-
(Someone behind mr birchum shoots him dead)
(Its… andrew hussie.)
Andrew: I heard this fight from miles away, I wanted to inherit my rights back,
Eggbert: Well, I mean, I don't have to give my money back to karponzi now thats hes dead… so thank you…
Madness Combat Kid: I'm bored, I'm gonna go home now.
Eggbert: Whatever…
(Shot of everyones body who died during the battle)
Andrew Hussie: What's your name?
Eggbert: John Eggbert!
Andrew Hussie: Oh! What a coincidence! That's the name of my titular character, John egbert!
Eggbert: I'm going to be taking you to court then…
Andrew Hussie: Who came first!
Eggbert: I did you fucking clutz!
Andrew Hussie: Me, You, let's battle. But in court.
John eggbert read homestuck and sued for defamation, he won and got a large sum of money, he now lives in one of the best villas montana has to offer.
Yes, andrew hussie is rich in this universe and wanted to sell homestuck to “escape”
(The End)
Written By Avalanche.
Animated By Avalanche.
Edited By Avalanche.
Madness Combat Kid: LavenderLiv
Everyone Else Voiced By Avalanche
(Art credits go here)
(Music credits go here)
Avalanche 2024.